Self Portrait

If you are at the core of your being an introvert, this photo is what happens when you attend a women’s event across the country by yourself. You visit, you talk, and you might even make a good acquaintance or two, but no best friend across the miles kind of friend. Most of us introverts are okay with that though, so don’t feel too bad that I took a self portrait at She Speaks.

Next year I will take a girlfriend or two with me, not just because I did get a bit lonely this year, but because it was an amazing experience that I want to share.

Humbling At....

I was going to knock their socks off, but I barely kept mine on.

Imagine walking into a room of 560 women, knowing all of them want to do exactly what you want to do, and knowing that most of them can say or write what you want to say or write ten times better than you can. Well, that is how She Speaks started for me. I learned quickly that I needed to humble myself under God’s mighty hand, because if I did not humble myself, I was going to humbled anyway.

Proverbs 31 Ministry knows all of this, so that is why they started the evening with a talk by Lysa Terkeurst. For those of you who do not know the name, she is one of the founders of Proverbs 31 Ministry, as well as a nationally known author and speaker. Lysa walked out on stage to tell all of us her story of coming to an event like the one we had just walked into and her own time of humbling. She said she walked into a speakers/writers conference with her “new” on; her new suit, her new hair, her new nails, and her new toes. She was convinced the entire group of publisher would want her baby (her beloved book) and that the big name speakers would ask her to join their team.

That is not exactly what happened though. The publishers basically said, “Don’t call us, we will call you.”

No nationally known speaker walked up to her and said, “Join us.”

All she wanted to do was go back to her room, eat some chocolate and watch some television. However, that was not what the Lord wanted. Instead, the man heading up the conference asked all those in attendance to pray for the Lord to reveal someone to them that He was calling for His service. Lysa stood there praying, but God did not reveal anyone to her, because she was one of the ones being called. People were laying hands on her, praying for her. The Lord began to shape her character to fit her calling. She did not walk out of that room with a book deal, or fifty speaking engagements. She walked back to her room to find the Lord asking her to be obedient and to surrender. She said yes to God that night, and was forever changed.

Lysa and the rest of the team were preparing us for the hurt we ALL were going to suffer over the next day and a half. I listened to Lysa, hoping that my character was already shaped for service, but that hope was enough to reveal that it wasn’t.

After the talk, we ate dinner, which I did not get to finish because I had to rush out to my first book proposal meeting with Kregel publishing. I walked in the door, with proposal in hand. Instead of having a casual conversation to get started, I dove into my plan for selling my book. I am sure she felt like a tornado had torn through the room as we finished up. I mean, I left my proposal literally spread all over the table in front of her. After, that meeting, I just shook my head thinking, calm down already.

My next experience was even worse. The conference had book proposal meetings, speaker evaluations, seminars on publishing, speaking, leadership, and blogging. I was on the writer’s track with a speaker evaluation thrown in for good measure. One of my sessions went too long, and I had to run to my speaker evaluation (three minute personal talk), so I walked in the door and found everyone else there. I had no time to think through my talk, because I was responsible to evaluate the other speakers in the group. Well my turn comes near the end of the 13 other speakers, so I hear these powerful life stories and start to feel less than. I realize my little story is little (not wanting the Lord to give me one of those women’s BIG stories), so I start to talk to myself in that negative tone that only you can say to yourself. I kept comparing and was amazed at how good all the women were. They knew their stuff, and their styles showed well practiced technique. By the time I got up front, I convinced myself that I couldn’t speak at all. I started with my usual shaky voice, and got lost in my notes. I sat down, and wanted to cry right there and then, but I waited for that until I got to my car.

The next morning was worse. I was up early, I wasn’t able to eat breakfast, and I was homesick. I went to a few sessions, and then had a breakdown on the phone with my wonderful, and encouraging husband. In the end, He pretty much said to pull it together, and that got me to thinking. What in the world was the big deal? Why did my nerves get the best of me every time I spoke? I realized my focus was in the wrong place. I was concerned with what everyone was going to think of me. I was afraid of failure.

I went outside after lunch, and found Phil 4:5-7.

• Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Those very familiar words filled me as I rearranged my heart. I consciously decided to place Jesus at my center. As I surrendered myself to Him, His peace, which does surpass all understanding, filled me. I stopped whining and started to listen.

Humbling is not a fun process, and we do not willingly submit to it. If we did, we would learn so much more from the Lord, but instead we fight it and Him. We demand our own way, assuming our character is already what it should be. We then have to learn through trials and experience what we could have learned through patient surrender.

I was upset because I wasn’t what I thought I was. I realize now that it doesn’t matter who I am, but instead who He is.

After my time with Jesus, I met my second publisher. This time I treated her as a person to share with instead of an opportunity to convince. I asked about her company, I applauded their service to the Christian community for their wonderful resources, and I spoke to her about their new vision. Was I nervous still? You bet, but with my eyes on others, and my heart centered on Christ I was less concerned about getting MY book published. I presented the book with passion, and business understanding and most of all with trust.

I left there peaceful, and went to prepare for the “talk”. The five minute presentation a Proverbs 31 Speaker would evaluate.

I quieted myself when I walked into the speaker room. I listened calmly to others, not doubting myself because they were good. I was glad they were good. The Lord equips His people in the way He chooses and they will each reach women no one else will be able to reach. When it was my turn, I walked up, feeling a surge of adrenalin. I spoke and was relieved that the words came flowing out. Not as smoothly as I would have wished but still the words the Lord had given me where shared with the crowd they were meant to touch. I sat down relieved and thankful, with a real peace.

In the end, I was who the Lord wanted me to be in that evaluation group. Core values of character that are important to me came out. I always want to be transparent with any group of women I speak with; I never want to be insincere or less than real. Christ did not call me to entertain, or put on a show. He called me to speak His word and hidden in the shadow of the cross (Thanks Renee….a whole other blog post).

I whined to my husband, to my mom, to my friends and even to my kids this last weekend. I was poor me, when I should have been asking the Lord to pour me. I needed to have my ministry, my abilities, my calling, my heart humbled so that they no longer were mine, but the Lord’s ministry, the Lord’s ability, the Lord’s calling, the Lord’s heart.

Proverbs 31, thank you for providing a place for me to walk where the Lord could continue to Make My Character Fit My Calling.

Adventure To

My adventure to She Speaks was eventful. I got to Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix on time only to find my flight delayed. The airlines overbooked! I had no seat assignment.

The American Airline’s clerk was, well let us say, less than helpful. He grunted at me when I asked for information about seating assignments on the flight, and gave no information at all. I realized later that that is all I really wanted. Another clerk noticed my dismay and explained that they were working to get others to give up their seats (for a voucher), to get those of us, who needed to make it to our destinations at a certain time, on the airplane. I was grateful for this man’s kindness. I finally received the LAST seat on the plane and headed to Charlotte.

I arrived in Charlotte an hour and a half later than I was scheduled. I was supposed to get in there at 11:10 pm originally, but because of the delay reached my destination at 12:30 am. Thankfully, the car rental service I was using stayed open until 1:00 am. I picked up my car, came back to the terminal to pick up my bags, and finally left the airport at 1:30.
I then had to travel to Concord, NC, which was about 20 minutes north of Charlotte. I looked at a map only briefly before leaving the house that morning, thinking I had written down enough information to find my exit and get to the hotel. Sadly, that was not the case. Toto was no longer in Kansas, or should I say Arizona.

Instead of the road name the hotel was on, the number for the highway was the only thing listed on the big green signs I continued to pass. I drove rather aimlessly looking for my destination, turning around in parking lots, pulling quickly into different lanes, talking to my husband on the phone trying to get directions, until finally a police officer pulled me over to see how drunk I really was. He looked at my driver’s license, shook his head and listened to my sad story of being lost in an unknown land. He then roughly breathed out, asked me once again if I had anything to drink on the plane, (telling me how badly I was driving) and finally gave me directions to my hotel.

Of course, it was 2:30 am before I made it to the locked door of my hotel. Mercifully, the clerk let me in. He gave me my room key, telling me my room was right next to the office. This meant I had to lug all my bags up a steep hill, because there was no parking even remotely close to my room. I pulled everything out of the car (I got a great rental though, it was a white grand prix and it was fun) and headed up the hill.

I entered the room and immediately thought of a horror movie I had once watched. The room was not the nicest to say the least. Plus, one of my girlfriends recently informed me of the nastiness of most hotels; how they don’t wash the comforters, or even change the sheets most of the time. I didn’t sleep in my clothes, but I was tempted to do so. I changed and talked one last time to my husband to let him know I was safe. For the last hour, he looked up maps on the computer trying to help me find my destination. I thanked him, and tried to sleep.

I didn’t have to register at the conference until the middle of the afternoon, so I planned to sleep in, that is until I received a text from my girlfriend asking me how things were and if I was ready. I tried to ignore it, but the beeping finally got me up. I read the text and lay back down until 10:00. I got up, paid $3.59 at the corner gas station for a small bottle of Tylenol, because my hip was sore because of the long flight and the not so comfortable bed. I took a shower, practiced my three minute talk that would be evaluated that night, and headed to the convention center, only to get lost again.

You see, I did not sign up soon enough to stay at the convention center with all the other wonderful women, and to save money I found a Days Inn near the conference. BIG mistake and the mistakes just kept coming because of this one. I got lost going to the center, maps are deceiving, and the south has lots of hills and even more trees that hindered any directional sense I might have in Arizona. I stopped at a gas station, and then at a wonderful Chick-fil-a to ask for directions. They both gave great ones, but I still ended up passing the convention center and having to do a u-turn all the while looking over my shoulder to make sure no police officers were following me.

Another police stop would have pushed me over the top to a full breakdown. I safely arrived at the center, only to find a huge building that I had to navigate, with a deep dread in my heart about making it back to my scary, horror movie hotel, so I could do it all over again the next morning.

The Lord was just beginning to reveal to me my absolute need for HIM through the SheSpeaks weekend!

Selfless Obedience

She Speaks is an amazing gift the women at Proverbs 31 Ministry provide for those seeking to share the message of Christ with the world. The women in this ministry freely give an open door to achieve what they themselves have achieved through perseverance, hard work and a whole lot of rejection.

The whole team freely gives of themselves in order to bring this opportunity to others. Not only do all the speakers and trainers speak and teach for free, but the publishers and consultants that come in to hear book proposals, teach sessions and share their years of experience do so as well.
Lysa Terkeurst said that the Lord has always prompted her that whenever she has a success in an area, she needs to share with others. Lysa and the rest of the team provide the tools for others to improve their ministries, but the Lord is the one who determines the outcome. Out of selfless obedience those at Proverbs give of their time, resources, abilities, experience, passion and love to those of us God is calling to share His message, in places only we can reach.

Proverbs 31 started with a small group of friends writing a newsletter to encourage moms, and has now grown to a ministry with an international outreach. It does this now, on a budget of $50,000 a year. It sounds like a lot for someone trying to start a new ministry, but when looked at in light of the number of staff and the ministry they offer, it is honestly not very much at all. They have six women on staff, so no one is making much of an income. Most of the money goes to the needs of hurting people. Their service is given as an act of worship by them and by their families. Anyone of those women speaking to us this weekend could make $50,000 plus in the business world, but instead they serve Christ out of selfless obedience.


Proverb 31 Ministry Team

www.lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com

SheSpeaks

I am headed out to North Carolina on Thursday for the She Speaks conference. If any of you are still out there reading the blog, that is the reason I have not had many posts the past week. I have been putting together a book proposal, writing and practicing two different talks, and freaking out off and on.

My TMJ is acting up. I actually had forgotten my jaw was ever an issue until this week. I can't chew, my jaw is popping and eating is painful. I guess the stress is manifesting itself at night while I sleep. I must be clenching. I teased Shon when I said, "It is not my stomach bothering me this time (when I am nervous, my ulcer inflames), but when I get stressed something always keeps me from eating." I know, you all wish you had that problem.

Please pray for me if you think about it these next couple of days. My kids are sad that I am going to be gone, my mom and Shon will be taking care of them, so pray for their comfort and safety as I am away. Also pray for my safety as I fly out on Thursday and return on Monday. I will be getting a rental car in Charlotte and driving an hour to Concord NC, in the dark at 11:30 pm on Thursday night. I have to find my hotel in a strange land in the middle of the night so a little concerned.

The conference actually starts at 1:00 on Friday and goes through 12:00 on Sunday. There are 550 women who will be in attendance. There are writers, bloggers, speakers and ministry leaders from all over the US coming to learn more about how to do ministry. I will meet with two publishers; one on Friday at 6:45 (Kregle Publishing) and one on Saturday 1:45 (David C. Cook). I will speak before a group of my peers on Friday night at 8:00, and again in front of a Proverbs 31 evaluator on Saturday night at 8:00. All the rest of the time will be spent in break out groups learning more about the writing and publishing world. Even though I am in the writers block, I hope to gain information about blogging as well.

I will start writing real posts/devotions again next week. I am going to send out an email to everyone letting them know how the conference went next week when I get home.

Commit your activities to the Lord and your plans will be achieved. Proverbs 16:3

A man's heart plans his ways, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

A Break

A friend of mine, who attends a different church, told me of her decision to take a break from a ministry she served in for several years. She said that she had to ignore the comments of others about her decision, and do what she felt was best for her family. It was not an easy choice, but one she really felt the Lord directing her to make.

She said something interesting, something I have felt a great deal over the past several months, she said it is weird being on the other side of service, being the one to say no. It is as if you are seen as less than godly, as someone not pressing on toward the mark of the high calling of Christ. It doesn’t matter that you gave of yourself for years. You somehow have not reached the goal.

What is the goal? Is it constant activity, is it serving even if that service is a determent to your family? I realized that we often times say we are doing this or that for the Lord, but in all reality we are doing it because it makes us look or feel good.

The mark or the goal Paul was speaking about in Philippians was of the high calling of Jesus, and the high calling of Jesus is this, the love the Lord your God with all your heart, your strength, you mind and you soul and your neighbor as yourself.

When we are working in church out of obligation or guilt, we are not reaching that mark. Honestly, our service will hinder our progress and our relationship with the Lord and with our neighbors.

When we are done with a ministry, the Lord will let us know. He will move in our hearts if we are listening. And when He wants us back in service, He will place His passion, His vision in our hearts and we won’t be able to do anything but minister to others.

Jesus did not heal every leper, nor did He cast out every demon in Israel. He obeyed the Father’s will, and sometimes that meant withdrawing to a quiet place, sleeping through a storm, not rescuing everyone He met. Too often, we carry out what we think the Father’s will is instead of actually listening for it.

“The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent” (John 6:29).

Genie

We often see Jesus as a genie in a lamp. We rub the lamp through prayer. We ask for our three wishes so that we can have an abundant life, free from pain and filled with prosperity. We pray in the name of Jesus, and claim all manner of things. We forget prayer is for us to know God and what He wants rather than for Him to know what we want.

Prayer is not a tool we use to get our way or fix our lives. It is a conversation that builds a relationship.

In my life, the trial actually produces the fruit. For some reason, we believe that we should have a life free from pain. I am not sure when the teaching on what it means to be a Christian became so misguided. Christ suffered, and we are to identify with Him in our sufferings. It is through His suffering that we know Him most deeply. Apart from Him, apart from what He suffered for us on the cross, we can do nothing.

The next time you are hurting, talk to Jesus. He might not decide to take your pain away, but He will walk with you through it.

Competition

I am preparing for SheSpeaks, a speaker/writer conference in North Carolina, June 19-21. I am putting a book proposal together for this event in order to present it to two different publishing houses. I am also working on two talks that will be evaluated by Proverbs 31 Ministry, the team hosting the event. Needless to say I am a little overwhelmed by the task at hand, as well as the knowledge that there are going to be 400-500 other women at this conference working hard to do the exact same things.

This conference is where the last post on jealousy really originated.

I have been struggling with my own inadequacy to write or to speak at the level I believe I need to in order to stand out in this large crowd. I can speak, I can write, but my pond has been small, which means I have not had a lot of “competition”.

It is when that word “competition” came into my thinking and vocabulary concerning the other women who will be at this event that I knew I was off track.

I realized that my focus was wrong, that I was thinking out of the "divide and conquer" mentality instead of Christ mindedness. I was unable to read the books, blogs and devotionals of godly women. I felt less than, ill equipped and like a wanna be that will never be.

The Lord revealed my heart to me one day. I realized I wanted to be the best, and if I could not have that I would have nothing at all. I was ready to give up because I didn't think I was going to get the praise, the applause, nor the spotlight I desired. I was becoming jealous of those who had already achieved my goal.

That is when the still small voice hit me hard. My book title is Jesus More Than Enough, but how can Jesus be more than enough if I am striving to be more than enough? I wrote the retreat series Jesus More Than Enough for one reason and one reason alone. To lift up the name of my Lord and Savior, to cause women to understand that Jesus is the ONLY one who can meet their every need. So, as I was “competing” with these other women, whom I don't even know, I realized I was lifting myself up. I started to believe that it was my words that women really needed.


When I looked into the mirror of my own heart two, big, green eyes were reflecting back at me. I was envious. I asked the Lord to forgive my jealousy, my self-focus, and to replace it with a Christ focus.

I was reminded that He is the one who calls, and if He wants to send 500 women out from SheSpeaks to share His Word or just 5 that is up to Him. I don’t need to compete with these other ladies, who love Him just as much as I do. No, what I need to do is to be faithful to write and speak the words He has placed in my heart, to lift of Jesus, and leave the rest up Him.

For in Him we live, and move and have our being! Acts 17:28