Humbling At....

I was going to knock their socks off, but I barely kept mine on.

Imagine walking into a room of 560 women, knowing all of them want to do exactly what you want to do, and knowing that most of them can say or write what you want to say or write ten times better than you can. Well, that is how She Speaks started for me. I learned quickly that I needed to humble myself under God’s mighty hand, because if I did not humble myself, I was going to humbled anyway.

Proverbs 31 Ministry knows all of this, so that is why they started the evening with a talk by Lysa Terkeurst. For those of you who do not know the name, she is one of the founders of Proverbs 31 Ministry, as well as a nationally known author and speaker. Lysa walked out on stage to tell all of us her story of coming to an event like the one we had just walked into and her own time of humbling. She said she walked into a speakers/writers conference with her “new” on; her new suit, her new hair, her new nails, and her new toes. She was convinced the entire group of publisher would want her baby (her beloved book) and that the big name speakers would ask her to join their team.

That is not exactly what happened though. The publishers basically said, “Don’t call us, we will call you.”

No nationally known speaker walked up to her and said, “Join us.”

All she wanted to do was go back to her room, eat some chocolate and watch some television. However, that was not what the Lord wanted. Instead, the man heading up the conference asked all those in attendance to pray for the Lord to reveal someone to them that He was calling for His service. Lysa stood there praying, but God did not reveal anyone to her, because she was one of the ones being called. People were laying hands on her, praying for her. The Lord began to shape her character to fit her calling. She did not walk out of that room with a book deal, or fifty speaking engagements. She walked back to her room to find the Lord asking her to be obedient and to surrender. She said yes to God that night, and was forever changed.

Lysa and the rest of the team were preparing us for the hurt we ALL were going to suffer over the next day and a half. I listened to Lysa, hoping that my character was already shaped for service, but that hope was enough to reveal that it wasn’t.

After the talk, we ate dinner, which I did not get to finish because I had to rush out to my first book proposal meeting with Kregel publishing. I walked in the door, with proposal in hand. Instead of having a casual conversation to get started, I dove into my plan for selling my book. I am sure she felt like a tornado had torn through the room as we finished up. I mean, I left my proposal literally spread all over the table in front of her. After, that meeting, I just shook my head thinking, calm down already.

My next experience was even worse. The conference had book proposal meetings, speaker evaluations, seminars on publishing, speaking, leadership, and blogging. I was on the writer’s track with a speaker evaluation thrown in for good measure. One of my sessions went too long, and I had to run to my speaker evaluation (three minute personal talk), so I walked in the door and found everyone else there. I had no time to think through my talk, because I was responsible to evaluate the other speakers in the group. Well my turn comes near the end of the 13 other speakers, so I hear these powerful life stories and start to feel less than. I realize my little story is little (not wanting the Lord to give me one of those women’s BIG stories), so I start to talk to myself in that negative tone that only you can say to yourself. I kept comparing and was amazed at how good all the women were. They knew their stuff, and their styles showed well practiced technique. By the time I got up front, I convinced myself that I couldn’t speak at all. I started with my usual shaky voice, and got lost in my notes. I sat down, and wanted to cry right there and then, but I waited for that until I got to my car.

The next morning was worse. I was up early, I wasn’t able to eat breakfast, and I was homesick. I went to a few sessions, and then had a breakdown on the phone with my wonderful, and encouraging husband. In the end, He pretty much said to pull it together, and that got me to thinking. What in the world was the big deal? Why did my nerves get the best of me every time I spoke? I realized my focus was in the wrong place. I was concerned with what everyone was going to think of me. I was afraid of failure.

I went outside after lunch, and found Phil 4:5-7.

• Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Those very familiar words filled me as I rearranged my heart. I consciously decided to place Jesus at my center. As I surrendered myself to Him, His peace, which does surpass all understanding, filled me. I stopped whining and started to listen.

Humbling is not a fun process, and we do not willingly submit to it. If we did, we would learn so much more from the Lord, but instead we fight it and Him. We demand our own way, assuming our character is already what it should be. We then have to learn through trials and experience what we could have learned through patient surrender.

I was upset because I wasn’t what I thought I was. I realize now that it doesn’t matter who I am, but instead who He is.

After my time with Jesus, I met my second publisher. This time I treated her as a person to share with instead of an opportunity to convince. I asked about her company, I applauded their service to the Christian community for their wonderful resources, and I spoke to her about their new vision. Was I nervous still? You bet, but with my eyes on others, and my heart centered on Christ I was less concerned about getting MY book published. I presented the book with passion, and business understanding and most of all with trust.

I left there peaceful, and went to prepare for the “talk”. The five minute presentation a Proverbs 31 Speaker would evaluate.

I quieted myself when I walked into the speaker room. I listened calmly to others, not doubting myself because they were good. I was glad they were good. The Lord equips His people in the way He chooses and they will each reach women no one else will be able to reach. When it was my turn, I walked up, feeling a surge of adrenalin. I spoke and was relieved that the words came flowing out. Not as smoothly as I would have wished but still the words the Lord had given me where shared with the crowd they were meant to touch. I sat down relieved and thankful, with a real peace.

In the end, I was who the Lord wanted me to be in that evaluation group. Core values of character that are important to me came out. I always want to be transparent with any group of women I speak with; I never want to be insincere or less than real. Christ did not call me to entertain, or put on a show. He called me to speak His word and hidden in the shadow of the cross (Thanks Renee….a whole other blog post).

I whined to my husband, to my mom, to my friends and even to my kids this last weekend. I was poor me, when I should have been asking the Lord to pour me. I needed to have my ministry, my abilities, my calling, my heart humbled so that they no longer were mine, but the Lord’s ministry, the Lord’s ability, the Lord’s calling, the Lord’s heart.

Proverbs 31, thank you for providing a place for me to walk where the Lord could continue to Make My Character Fit My Calling.