We all have one, or in my case if I really think about it 20, that we try to hide. Every so often though, our secret weakness comes out in front of a group of people, and when that happens, we want to crawl under a rock.
Everyone has something they struggle with, don’t like about themselves. It might be a stutter, a loss of hair, an unending battle with weight, an over the top personality, a feeling of inferiority, and the list could go on and on and on. I can keep my secret shame a secret a great deal of the time, and that is one of the reasons it hurts so much when it is revealed.
Last night, mine came out in front of a group of women. I was at a ladies game night and found myself playing board games. I am not the big fan of most board games, so when my friend said that is what the ladies were going to be playing, I was a little concerned. I now realize my concerns were valid.
My team was doing wonderfully (little to no credit going to me), and we were in the final position to win the whole game. I made sure that we stayed away from one of the categories throughout the game. However, in order to win the entire game we had to play that category at least one time.
As the yellow card was pulled from its box (the color for that category), fear gripped my heart. I started praying right there and then, “Please Father, help me with this one, give me Your knowledge and mind.” As soon as I finished praying, the card was read and those hateful words that have haunted me for years were said, “Spell this word” ("spell", my kryptonite).
You see, I struggle with spelling, always have and apparently always will. When I blog, write emails or talks past 9:00 pm, well my spelling power is about 25% of what it is during the rest of the day. Being tired reveals our truest selves probably more than anything else does. Anyway, my heart started racing at the question. “Spell ecstasy backwards,” came the words from the card.
My team was amazing, and I knew as long as I could stay out of the way that they would bring home a big win, but this one was a team event. I prayed again, said I would give the first letter, and yes, just as I had feared I was wrong. I know, how easy is that word, right? Well, for me it might as well have been floccinaucinihilipilification (the longest non-technical word in the English language). My mind blurred up, I could not even see the word, so there was no way I was going to spell it backwards.
My earliest memories of spelling tests and writing difficulties did not rush in at that moment, but the feelings of inferiority certainly did. Then I remember my best friend from school, we were fighting at the time, telling everyone in my junior class that I could not spell so there was no way I was going to make it into the AP English class we were trying to get into. She was right, I didn’t make it into the class, and I carried the read letter “S” of spelling the rest of the year.
After failing to say the correct letter at game night, I wanted to crawl under a rock, or hide behind a couch, but I just kept playing. Later my friend teased me about the “y” in ecstasy, and I started to tear up. Thankfully, she realized how I felt and let it go (best friends are kinder outside of high school..different friend though).
Afterward, at home by myself, I asked the Lord why He gave me a love to write, while making me lame in one of the major areas needed to pull it off. I cried then, not just for myself but for my middle child who has the same sorts of issues I have, and who loves to think and write. In our world, writing and reading are skills necessary for every area of life. If I am weak in them, I am weak in the overall picture of things. I know, I have strived to achieve certain goals all my life and come up short, because of this weakness and many others.
A friend of mine, in the organization I worked for, for four years extended me a wonderful gift of grace one day. She said that she had seen studies that revealed spelling to be a genetic issue, not a “smarts” issue. Spelling can be learned, but some people will have a harder time with it than others. It was as if she said to me, “you are not stupid Heather.”
I had to write for this organization often, so it was an issue then, just as it is now. I praise God everyday for spell check, and I will be overjoyed one day when all word processors have total grammar check as well (they have more than they once did), because that was an area of weakness in my education.
The Lord has made me my children's teacher, and because of that I have caught my daughters reading and spelling problems early. I have focused on equipping her with tools that will not remover her struggle but will aid her in becoming a confident speller and writer, down the road.
She and I translate words differently from others. It is like the email game that was going around for a while. The one where the first and last letters in a word were in the right places, but all the letters in between were jumbled. Everyone could read the words with the first and last letter in the correct place, and the rest a mixed up mess. I don’t always see or pay attention to all the letters (I can usually get the last letter, so that is why I volunteered to go first in the game last night, but sadly the time and the fear overwhelmed even that).
Here is an example of what I am talking about:
RDIAENG.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh
uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
ceehiro.
Now, I don’t see words this badly, I just don’t notice the spelling of words as well as others.
After praying and crying to the Lord, asking Him for the reason this is such an issue for me, a conversation I had with one of my friends came a couple of days ago came to mind. We were talking about compassion and where it comes from. As I thought through that conversation along with what I had just experienced a few hours before, I realized a lot of my compassion comes from my weaknesses. Because I am not a super capable person in a lot of areas, I have a great deal of concern and care for others who are not either. The Lord has taught me through my own areas of frailty to look upon others with the same kind of care I want to receive.
When I am wrestling with my secret shame, I need to remember all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes. He has allowed me that area of discomfort to develop something in my character that needs some work. Now, I can say this, but living it out is a whole different ball game. When I want to be a writer, and I sit down and have a lot of red and green squiggle lines on my computer screen, it is not exactly easy to say thank you Lord for this weakness.
Most days, especially like the evening I had last night make me want to quit. My self-talk gets pretty nasty, with things like, “Who in the world do you think you are. You are just some little thing for that backward school and city in Colorado. Who do you even think you are to home school your kids let alone try to write? And why in the world do you set yourself up on daily basis with a blog that reveals to the entire world (if they want to read) your hug failing and inadequacy with the English language.”
But that is when I have to talk myself off the wall, get over my self-pity and talk to my Father. He loves me no matter what, and will help me, just like I will help my little girl.
After praying and crying to the Lord, asking Him for the reason this is such an issue for me, a conversation I had with one of my friends came a couple of days ago came to mind. We were talking about compassion and where it comes from. As I thought through that conversation along with what I had just experienced a few hours before, I realized a lot of my compassion comes from my weaknesses. Because I am not a super capable person in a lot of areas, I have a great deal of concern and care for others who are not either. The Lord has taught me through my own areas of frailty to look upon others with the same kind of care I want to receive.
When I am wrestling with my secret shame, I need to remember all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purposes. He has allowed me that area of discomfort to develop something in my character that needs some work. Now, I can say this, but living it out is a whole different ball game. When I want to be a writer, and I sit down and have a lot of red and green squiggle lines on my computer screen, it is not exactly easy to say thank you Lord for this weakness.
Most days, especially like the evening I had last night make me want to quit. My self-talk gets pretty nasty, with things like, “Who in the world do you think you are. You are just some little thing for that backward school and city in Colorado. Who do you even think you are to home school your kids let alone try to write? And why in the world do you set yourself up on daily basis with a blog that reveals to the entire world (if they want to read) your hug failing and inadequacy with the English language.”
But that is when I have to talk myself off the wall, get over my self-pity and talk to my Father. He loves me no matter what, and will help me, just like I will help my little girl.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect
in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Cor. 12:9
No comments:
Post a Comment